Though not the master of one’s fate, one may still be captain of one’s soul.    -- Philip Brickman

It’s a common scenario on the path of divorce: It may be that your ex (or his sister or best friend) offers their opinion of your character, perhaps sounding something like this: You are a selfish bitch. Or You are a liar and a cheat. Or You are the worst mother in the world.

Or you discover that your ex has misrepresented her finances. Or perhaps your ex has broken the terms of your custody agreement.

Most of us will face a situation like this sometime in our divorce journey, a situation that triggers deep and powerful emotion. And most of us will be tempted to react in kind, to fight fire with fire. It’s only fair, we think. They started it, we think. I have to defend myself, we think. The only sensible option – indeed the only option at all – seems to be to follow their lead and play their game.

Most of us set out on this divorce journey vowing to take the high road, to do it better, behave better, than the average divorcing couple. And yet we find ourselves in the middle of some hard, emotionally charged situation and every fiber of our being wants to strike back.

This is the choice point. The fork in the road where we get to choose Who We Are, and Who We Want To Be.

Down one fork: retaliate in kind. Return deceit with deceit, criticism with criticism, cruelty with cruelty. This path is very seductive. And it offers enormous emotional relief. Temporarily.

But just like a drink for an alcoholic, or an ice cream for a sugar addict, the immediate rush of relief is intoxicating, but brief. And it is followed, inevitably, by remorse and guilt. Why? Because this choice is not in alignment with our integrity, with who we want to be and know ourselves to be at the deepest level.

A dear friend once asked me: “So when do you stoop to their level? At some point, don’t you just have to play their game?”  My answer is this: When do you want your character to be determined by another’s? If you react in kind, you are allowing someone else’s level of spiritual and emotional development to determine your own.

In the memoir of his concentration camp experience, Victor Frankl describes this as the “last and ultimate human freedom”: between the moment of “being done to” (the stimulus) and the moment of response, lies our power to choose.

And that is the other fork: The harder but more satisfying choice, long term. The road to self-respect and self-esteem. The choice to respond in a way that is consistent with your morals, your values, your integrity, your highest vision of yourself. To be the captain of your own character.

This is why the Journey of Divorce can be such a powerful opportunity for personal and spiritual growth. The journey gives us so many of these moments in which we are tested, and have one more chance to choose in a way that honors who we really are.

It is our greatest worry, our deepest fear, our most pressing question: How can I be the best possible parent for my children through this crisis? How can I keep them feeling safe, secure, loved, amidst the turmoil of divorce? How can I keep this experience from causing them life-long emotional damage?

As the old saying goes, the answer is simple, but not easy.

The best way to care for your children through your divorce is by doing the work to take care of yourself. Yes, I said “work”. Because for most parents going through a divorce, taking care of our own needs – emotional, mental, physical and spiritual – comes dead last on the list of priorities. There are so many other demands on our time, and money is tight, and we simply cannot justify taking the time to go to the gym, or get a good night’s sleep, or put structures in place like church or therapy which might provide perspective and support and healing. And, I said “work”, because it takes discipline to give yourself these things consistently, over the long haul. There are many times, for example, when I would rather stay home and eat ice cream than go to a therapy session. But while the ice cream may give me temporary gratification, it does not provide authentic "caring" for my body or spirit.  So it takes work, discipline, and commitment to take care of yourself.

If you are having trouble taking care of yourself during your divorce, consider this: in her book Difficult Questions Kids Ask (and are too afraid to ask) About Divorce, Dr. Meg Schneider argues that the best thing you can do to help your kids cope with divorce is to come to terms with your own feelings and emotions surrounding your divorce. And that requires making the time to reflect, process, feel and heal the experience.

Said another way, your children will match your energy. The best means of ensuring that  they weather this storm in an emotionally healthy way is to work on your own emotional health.   Your children will learn what you teach them through your own actions.

So take good care of yourself. Go for a run. Pray. Confide in a friend. Find a good therapist. Do it for you. Do it for your kids.